Man In Progress

photo credit: drp

Well, back in February I issued myself the challenge to lose 42 pounds in 21 weeks, but I have fallen far short of the goal. In reality, I’ve lost about 20 pounds, which is respectable considering my occasional (okay, frequent) lapses in motivation. If not for the guidance and encouragement of Paul (that awesome guru of personal training in Cleveland), I’d probably have lost nothing. So at this rate I’m losing less than a pound per week, but at least I’m losing. Progress is being made. Blubber is retreating.  Perhaps I have stumbled onto a universal weight loss (and life) truth. Huge sacrifices need not be made, only small and frequent sacrifices combined with the passage of time. You don’t have to give up chocolate or mayonnaise or tortillas, you simply need to spend time with them less often, and you need to be in it for the long haul. That’s it! Just make some small adjustments, give it a year, and you could be amazed by how much weight you’ve lost. I have 20 pounds more to lose to reach my goal, but I now know that I can reach it without taking drastic measures. Patience.

photo credit: Nicholas_T

Okay, so I pretty much suck at this weight loss thing.  At this rate I’ll be slim again just in time for my teeth to drop from my gums and liver spots to set up shop all over my shiny, bald head.  In all seriousness, I guess some weight loss is better than no weight loss, and I suppose I should be thankful that at least I’m making some semblance of progress.  I owe it not to a better diet, not to running, not even to a better mental outlook (because I have yet to incorporate any one of these things into my life).  Alas, I owe it simply and entirely to the fact that the earth’s orbit around the sun has once again placed it in a position whereas North America receives a greater amount of direct sunlight thereby allowing a warming of the air and a renewal of all plant and animal life.  In other (less pretentious) words, Spring is here (and is already damn well over), and the warmer weather has allowed me much more time to get outside and actually utilize my muscles.  Just getting out and working in the yard a few times a week is doing wonders.  I’m also trying to glean more wisdom from my friend up north who is a beacon of hope to millions on the Cleveland personal training scene.  He is the fitness Jedi Master and I am doing my best to learn from him.  Will I still lose 40+ pounds by July?  Common sense would say no.  But with the force all things are possible.

photo credit: Oliver Ingrouille [ mr oji ]

In January I wrote a post for one of my other blogs called the “Top 10 Ways To Kill Your Spirit” that has been a pretty big hit as of late, so I decided to produce a sequel. I’m shamelessly opportunistic like that. Here goes:

1. Think about the past as much as possible. Your mistakes. Your most embarrassing moments. Live in that world for as many minutes of the day as you can squeeze in, because replaying it over and over is paying such wonderful dividends. Not only do you get to relive the pain every day, but thinking about it really cuts down on the time you have to create new experiences and meaningful relationships in the here and now. Bonus!
2. Don’t think about the past at all, EVER. The past is for losers and sentimentalists. Taking a glance back every once in awhile is to be avoided at all costs because it might make you realize that you were wrong on some things. And being wrong means apologizing. And apologizing is a sign of weakness. Maintain the cold war between you and your sick, aging mother because that is preferable to being seen as weak.
3. Compete with friends and family. They are the testing ground for achievement in the real world. Rubbing their noses in your accomplishments is not a matter of your arrogance, it’s a matter of their insecurities. You must make them feel as small as possible and then, only then, will you truly feel good about yourself. And feeling good about yourself is what really matters in relationships.
4. Watch reality TV.
   
5. Refuse to tolerate weirdness. People that act and think differently from you are to be shunned, ridiculed, and corrected. They offer nothing of value to a decent society, and give you these occasional, uncomfortable feelings that you might be less intelligent than they are. Eccentrics like Albert Einstein and Salvador Dali could have really been groundbreaking if only they had been normalized at a young age.
6. Work as hard as you can to be liked. You must learn to amputate from yourself any and everything that shows the slightest inkling of originality or independence. Just be like everybody else around you and things will be easier. When the boss tells a racist joke, laugh. When your friends start picking on a co-worker, join in. When your spouse tells you you’re looking old, get a face lift. What’s most important is not the quality of your relationships but the quantity. What matters is not that you dig yourself but that others dig you (or at least that they dig the pretend you).
7. Drink. A LOT. There’s nothing like a nightly 12-pack to take the edge off. Never mind that you can no longer distinguish your dreams from reality, or that your kids’ most vivid memory when they grow up will be of you, face down on the floor, unconscious. The point is that it helps you to cope. It gets you from day to day, and a day to day existence is all most people can hope for. Right?
8. Look for the worst in people. You have a gift for quickly identifying others’ flaws, and so it behooves you to point them out to anyone that will listen. Not only does this make you feel powerful and perceptive, but it gives you that much-needed daily confidence boost. After all, if someone else has problems, maybe yours aren’t so bad after all.
9. Make the pursuit of money your primary goal in life.  So you’ve had to burn a few bridges, stab a few backs, and miss a few school plays to secure your financial future…big whup.  It’s a dog eat dog world and sometimes you have to be ruthless if you want to make it big.  Besides, there’s still a 50/50 chance that your estranged son will show up for your funeral, and maybe then he’ll finally be sorry for refusing the lavish gifts you’ve tried to buy his affection with.
10. Forget to laugh.